Ode to a Good Man

At this time in life I have to take a moment and share with others my appreciation for the men that can look at a single mother and the mess of a life she occupies, and thinks to himself, “I want to be a part of that.” It takes a special breed of man to take on and share the responsibilities that a single mother shoulders day after day.

When I first became a single mother and faced with the reality that I would have to, eventually, start the dating game, if I didn’t want to become a celibate nun, I was scared. I questioned the existence of a man that would see me, see my kids, and see the mess that I call life and want to share it all with me.I thought that any sane man would take one look at it all and run screaming for the hills.  After three plus years of being single and my numerous failures at dating, that a rather suppress, I had given up all hope that such men existed. But in the end I found one. I found a man that came into my life and charmed not just me, but my children as well.

Even before I had kids I had a rather negative view on love and men in general, but things change when you meet someone that can accept you for everything you are. So I would like to say to the men in the world that takes a single mother into their hearts, and loves her and her children, that you are all truly knights in shining armor. There is something amazing about you all. Thank you all for being so awesome. And to the men that are terrified of these strong, amazing mother’s, you don’t know what you’re missing.

Advertisements

Daydreaming and Reality

We all want what we don’t have. It is true for just about anything; short people want to be tall, tall people want to be shorter, old people want to be younger and the young wish to be older. It is actually rather rare to be completely, 100% happy with what we have and who we are. Me for instance; most of the time I am fine with being a single mom, it’s tough but I’ve kind of gotten used to it, but then there are times when I’m not.

Going out and seeing father’s with their children and families enjoying time out together makes me realize what I don’t have. I always wanted the whole family deal and I ended up with the wonderful kids but instead of the loving husband and father I got an asshole I never really wanted to have kids with in the first place (It’s a rather long story but lets just say not all forms of birth control are great). There is a pang of hurt when I see these families and I have to wonder why I couldn’t have that. Trying to picture a family for my self is actually starting to become difficult, like it’s an alien concept for me.

I think after all this time my basic instincts are kicking in and I’m just waiting for some cave man to come grunting by and club me over the head so he can drag me back it his cave. Courting was such a simpler thing back then.

A Quick Look into the Past

I have come to realize that even though my story is a difficult one it is not uncommon. There isn’t really a need to go into too much detail. What’s important is that you understand that I am a single mom of two and that the relationship I had/have with their father is slightly poisonous. Like most girls I was young and slightly foolish when I met him. He was the typical “bad boy” and I fell for it.

For some reason that I don’t understand girls like to believe that they can take a bad boy and turn him into something…more, but that’s getting a bit off topic. Anyway he ended up being verbally abusive and what’s worse I actually believed what he said about me. I was depressed, lonely, and thinking the worst about myself. In the end the relationship obviously ended. I would love to say I ended things but unfortunately I did not. I was six months pregnant with my second child when he decided that he rather be with someone younger and more willing to go out and have “fun”.

Recovering from that relationship was a long process. I didn’t date or even consider it for three years. I was scared of falling into another poisonous relationship and being too blind to see it. My kids helped me find my strength and they gave me reason to move forward. After a while I was able to find myself and parts of me that I had been missing for far too long. I was able to look in the mirror and see Teresa, to see who I really was. It took years but I was able to build myself back up into a human being instead of a living target for misdirected anger. Even though I am still get the blunt end of his anger now and then.

Introduction

Hello, my name is Teresa Pauley, and I am a single mother.

I will turn 29 this year(not something I’m thrilled about) and have two children; Michael who is 5, and Alice who just turned 4. I did not choose to be a single mother but rather had it forced on me and I have to admit that it scares the crap out of me most of the time. You can’t help but question your self when suddenly what you do affects more then just yourself.

I decided to start this blog because I know all to well what it feels like to suddenly find yourself alone and feeling lost. I wanted to share my life; my experiences in hopes that it would help others to not feel so alone in their struggles. And I could hope that maybe some will learn from my mistakes.

So for the most part I will be sharing my past, offering advice, answering questions; if any are asked, and basically getting the skeletons out of the closet.