Approaching Storm

We all have the same basic needs, we all want to be loved and to share our lives with people we deem important to us. We take the risk and put our hearts in the hands of others hoping that they will take care of it. It is a little more intimidating as a single mother; not only are you trusting this other person with your heart, but with the hearts of your children. They grow attached to the people we bring into our lives and they are influenced by them. Dating is such a more complicated thing when your kids are put into the equation. There is more risk involved, more things to consider. I feel like I should be hosting interviews instead of dating.

I suddenly find myself thrust back into the “available” market and it just seems overwhelming all over again. I am under no delusion that, for men, dating a single mom is simple. It is anything but; plans need to be made ahead of time, babysitters need to be arranged, the sense of spontaneity seems to be lacking. I’m not saying we are all frumpy moms that prefer to stay home, I’m just saying it takes a little more work is all. I think we are usually worth the little bit of extra work. It does save me from making some rash decisions. I’m not looking forward to trusting someone else to come into my life and not make a mess of it. I don’t make it a habit of introducing my children to ever man I see, but once you do it all begins to get complicated. I was with him for two years. He probably spent more time with them then their actual father, he was good with them and they care about him. So how do you tell them that yet another man has walked out of our lives? He was a good man, and he did care about me and my kids, but he wasn’t ready for the role of father. Oh the joys of single motherhood.

I know eventually that the trusting will become easier, but the idea of letting anyone else into my life just seems like an impossibility. I have had to sacrifice a lot in my life in order to make sure my kids are safe and have what they need; my love life is just another one of those sacrifices.

 

Sacrificing for Love

So let me set the scene for you. I was only a couple months into my 24th year of life and I had my son who had just turned one. So far not too bad, but I was also six months pregnant with my daughter and to top it all off, I was suddenly single. It was like I was bitch slapped by reality and it had left my head spinning.

I had graduated from high school but had dropped out of University because I was unsure of what I wanted to do with my life and spending a bunch of money on that seemed ridiculous. So I was 24 with one kid and one on the way, I was back living at my dads place because I had no savings and I didn’t have anyway to make the money I needed for my family. I was confronted by so many questions about my future and that of my children’s. How was I going to support my little family? How could I provide for them? Could I handle all of it alone? 

Well it was time to go back to school. I would really love to say I picked something I wanted, something that I was passionate about, but practicality killed that (I want to write and that doesn’t really leave a lot of cash to support a family with). So the logical side of me ( I think she has pointy Spock ears) decided on something that took the least amount of schooling and makes the most amount of money. I would become a Dental Hygienist. I sacrificed my dreams to pursue a career I didn’t really have much of an interest in. I sacrificed a lot to make sure I put my children’s needs before my own; their wants before mine. I don’t regret any of it but sometimes my mind likes to play the “what if…?” game. What if I didn’t have kids? What if I could do whatever I wanted? But in the end I love my kids and wouldn’t want my life to be with out them. I have found ways to balance some of my wants with theirs. I make time for me and will find away to do what I want to do without sacrificing my families securities. None of it is easy and at times I feel as if I have lost my mind as well as myself but I seem to always find my hope and try to have faith that things will work out.