Adjustments and Compromises

It has been over a year since the last time I posted, and yet it doesn’t feel like its been that long. Things have changed for me and my little family. I can no longer consider myself a single mother, I have opened my heart up and let in a man; which could have proved to be disastrous, but I lucked out. I’m not going to tell you that it has been easy, or that there hasn’t been bad days, but he is an understanding guy, and we have learned to talk and to work on things.

It was actually harder then I had thought to start living with someone again. I hadn’t realized the damage I had suffered from the years of verbal abuse I had endured. I had though that there was a difference between physical abuse and verbal abuse, but the scars they leave behind are very similar. I am lucky to have found some one that cares about me and has patience with me when I become irrational, and sometimes altogether ridiculous. Oh, I know when I am being ridiculous, but it doesn’t really stop things from continuing on.

I wasn’t the only one that had to adjust, he found himself in a relationship where he was suddenly the father figure, which is a frightening role to the unprepared. He does a wonderful job, but it is still something to adjust to. As a parent you have to sacrifice some amount of freedom to care for your children, and for someone walking into that, might find it difficult to do. As time has gone by it has gotten easier and I think we have found our groove on how to handle life.

I would like to offer some advice for those who are searching for love, but are hesitant to grab hold of it. Find someone that will make you laugh, who will be patient and enduring. Don’t settle for just anyone, find out what you really, truly want from that other person. Once you know what you are looking for it becomes easier to see. Don’t forget to talk to each other, even if you are scared of how they will react, keeping things locked up will not help anything. If you don’t think you’d be able to say it properly write it out.

I am happy, even with my quiet doubts, and insecurities. I know I am lucky to have someone in my life that wants to share new experiences with me.

I Got a Ticket to Ride

I would like to take a moment and quote the Red Hot Chili Peppers:

“Your love is like a Rollercoster baby, baby I wanna ride”

Or if you prefer something a little old school, how about some Shakespeare:

“The course of true love never did run smooth.”

No matter how you look at it love has never been something easy and smooth. Every relationship has its high points and its low moments. All we can truly hope for is that the good times out way the bad; that they make the bad times seem almost worth it. It doesn’t matter if you are gay or straight, a single parent or a crazy teenager, love will take hold and do whatever it chooses to do, we are all just along for the ride. I have had some horrible relationships that taught me what to look for in a partner, I have met good men that showed me that they do exist in this world, and I have had a relationship that has helped mold me into the person I am today.

Love is one of the few things in life that doesn’t seem to care if you believe in it or not. It will still find away to get to you and drag you along for a ride you may not have wanted to get on. You just have to figure out if you enjoyed the ride while it was happening or, if you didn’t, whether you learned something from it. I took me a long time and many mistakes to figure out that I don’t actually need some one to love me. Don’t get me wrong I would love to have some one that loves me, but it is a want rather then a need. I had myself convinced that to be happy I needed someone to love me, which lead me into one bad relationship after another. A new perspective on life and love has shown me the error of my ways.

I do fear love though. I fear that it makes a fool out of me and makes me into a naive child that forgives too easily. Guess some things I never really learn from.

Approaching Storm

We all have the same basic needs, we all want to be loved and to share our lives with people we deem important to us. We take the risk and put our hearts in the hands of others hoping that they will take care of it. It is a little more intimidating as a single mother; not only are you trusting this other person with your heart, but with the hearts of your children. They grow attached to the people we bring into our lives and they are influenced by them. Dating is such a more complicated thing when your kids are put into the equation. There is more risk involved, more things to consider. I feel like I should be hosting interviews instead of dating.

I suddenly find myself thrust back into the “available” market and it just seems overwhelming all over again. I am under no delusion that, for men, dating a single mom is simple. It is anything but; plans need to be made ahead of time, babysitters need to be arranged, the sense of spontaneity seems to be lacking. I’m not saying we are all frumpy moms that prefer to stay home, I’m just saying it takes a little more work is all. I think we are usually worth the little bit of extra work. It does save me from making some rash decisions. I’m not looking forward to trusting someone else to come into my life and not make a mess of it. I don’t make it a habit of introducing my children to ever man I see, but once you do it all begins to get complicated. I was with him for two years. He probably spent more time with them then their actual father, he was good with them and they care about him. So how do you tell them that yet another man has walked out of our lives? He was a good man, and he did care about me and my kids, but he wasn’t ready for the role of father. Oh the joys of single motherhood.

I know eventually that the trusting will become easier, but the idea of letting anyone else into my life just seems like an impossibility. I have had to sacrifice a lot in my life in order to make sure my kids are safe and have what they need; my love life is just another one of those sacrifices.

 

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

I would love to say that as my kids have gotten older that the job of Mother has gotten easier, but I would be a big fat liar if I did. I can’t speak for every parent in the world, but I feel as if I am losing my mind sometimes. I start to question the choices I have made in life, but, for the most part, every decision I have made was the best one I could make at the time. Raising two kids on one income and barely any support from their father has been harder then I would like to admit, but how does one improve their position in life if they are restricted by the confines of parenthood? There is so much I want to do and see, and yet I can’t just run out and do it. Though that might not necessarily be a bad thing, it does stop me from making rash decisions(which would probably happen).

Then there comes the topic of ones love life. As a single parent finding someone to share your life with is a job all on its own(wasn’t that easy for me prior to being a mother either). But once you find someone how do you ask them to make the choice to take on the role of parent so quickly? Most people who become parents have time to get used to the idea instead of something happening instantaneously. I guess the only other choice would be to just be alone, but that isn’t really option for me (I really don’t like cats enough to be a crazy cat lady when I’m old). So I wait and have faith that everything will work out.

It isn’t all bad though. Mother’s day has just past and it made me believe that I actually wasn’t doing such a bad job of being a mother, which was extremely relieving. I have not been gifted with patience, but all I can do is wait and see. Wait and see what kind of people my children turn into, wait in see how my heart gets handled, and wait and see how the future unfolds. What I really need is a time machine.

Ode to a Good Man

At this time in life I have to take a moment and share with others my appreciation for the men that can look at a single mother and the mess of a life she occupies, and thinks to himself, “I want to be a part of that.” It takes a special breed of man to take on and share the responsibilities that a single mother shoulders day after day.

When I first became a single mother and faced with the reality that I would have to, eventually, start the dating game, if I didn’t want to become a celibate nun, I was scared. I questioned the existence of a man that would see me, see my kids, and see the mess that I call life and want to share it all with me.I thought that any sane man would take one look at it all and run screaming for the hills.  After three plus years of being single and my numerous failures at dating, that a rather suppress, I had given up all hope that such men existed. But in the end I found one. I found a man that came into my life and charmed not just me, but my children as well.

Even before I had kids I had a rather negative view on love and men in general, but things change when you meet someone that can accept you for everything you are. So I would like to say to the men in the world that takes a single mother into their hearts, and loves her and her children, that you are all truly knights in shining armor. There is something amazing about you all. Thank you all for being so awesome. And to the men that are terrified of these strong, amazing mother’s, you don’t know what you’re missing.

Fairy Tales

So today I was reading some stories with my daughter and I couldn’t help but be a little wary of the story lines. In truth they are the same ones that I grew up with. Girl meets prince, girl discovers she is princess or special in some way (usually ends up in some sort of trouble) and is rescued by the before mentioned prince and they live happily ever after. Now I have to wonder if all this princess stuff is good for her. I gotta admit that Disney seems to have given their princesses a little more balls but it in the end it all seems to be about “true love” and getting married. I grew up watching this stuff and I’m pretty sure got brain washed by most of it. Even after every thing I’ve gone through in my life and with every shitty relationship there is still a part of me that still believes in true love. I would definitely label myself a hopeless romantic. I will apologize ahead of time to all the prince charming’s out there, but even though I believe in true love I really don’t think you exist, I would put you right up there with unicorns and dragons.

So I’m just wondering if exposing my daughter to this sort of stuff am I building up this expectation for love and romance for her? Am I brainwashing her in to believing it all? I know that I may sound cynical but it’s just what my past has taught me. I like to think that it is more being cautious then cynical (maybe a bit bitter at times). I do want my daughter to believe in love, especially in today’s world and I know she isn’t going to learn it by using me as an example, so is it these movies and stories the only way to do it? 

Believing in the Impossible

As I am sure I have mentioned before that after my relationship with my kids father came to an end, to put it nicely, I didn’t even think of dating for quite some time. I also explained how much of a failure my online dating was (slight understatement), but I thought I would share my success as well as my failures.

About ten months ago I met a guy. It seemed like one of those star’s align, fate stepping in, kind of things. He worked at the book store I frequented so I had seen him around and thought him rather attractive and then I ran into him at an art event. So when I went book shopping we began to talk. After some awkward conversation stumbling (more on my side then his) I was sure he wasn’t interested. Turned out the flustered, red faced me had won him over. He had slipped his number into the book I had bought. I can go on for ever about the conversations, my awkwardness, my red face, and every other uncomfortable thing that usually goes with dating and getting to know someone but I think I’ll save you the pain.

The important thing is that he was actually everything I was looking for in a man. He was able to mend the holes in my heart and make me feel whole again (I am more than aware of the cheesiness of it all). We were compatible in every way and we made each other happy. I would love to end this all with “and we lived happily ever after”, but life rarely ends that way. He is at a different stage in life and so our paths have parted. There is a chance that later on in life our paths might cross once more and then who knows what will happen. But for now he is still my best friend and I am his, we talk often and he still brings a smile to my face.

I wanted to share this because even though we aren’t together any more I never regretted a moment of it, it was the happiest I had been in a very long time. He has restored my faith in love and in the male gender. I am grateful that he is a part of my life.