Truth Behind the Mask

I have gotten so used to pretending that everything is fine; that my life wasn’t a giant mess, that I’m not lost, but sometimes it just doesn’t work. I look in the mirror and apply my makeup. I smile and tell myself good things. I go through my day and it seems that those around me are fooled by my mask. Don’t get me wrong there are many days that I am fine but there are days that I just can’t seem to hold it together any longer. I don’t want peoples pity; to have people look at me with some sad face that just screams, “Oh that poor girl.”. So I keep most things locked away. The truth is that I am sad, I am alone, and I am scared of the future. But I know that I am either strong enough…or stubborn enough to deal with it.

The way I deal is through what I call my distractions. Other’s I guess could classify them as hobbies, or just creative pursuits but to me they are distractions. They let me forget about everything negative in my life and help me to feel positive and happy.

My distractions include:

1. Writing- I write novels, short stories, letters, and I keep a journal

2. Painting- this includes sketching. I use any kind of paint from water colour to oils

3. Carving- I do both soap stone carving and wood carving

4. Jewelry- I make my own jewelry

5. Pottery- I work with clay

My advice to people who find life too difficult to deal with and need to find some inner peace, try doing something artistic. Be creative and use a part of your brain that you haven’t used in a while. Brush the dust of the grey matter and you might find something you enjoy and brings you happiness. We cannot depend on others to give us happiness we must find our own and share it.

The Big Bad “D” Word…

In most parts of my life I was happy, but when it came to men and the possibility of a relationship I still considered myself tainted. I didn’t think I had worth, that I didn’t have anything to offer someone in a relationship. Finally after years of being single and the inability to meet available men got to me and I made the decision to look for love online. Oh I know there are some of you out there rolling your eyes at how ludicrous that sounds but I was getting lonely and maybe just a tad desperate so I tried it. But in the end all I got was a bunch of bad dates with men that wanted sex and not a whole lot more. I had set out looking for love and ended up with a feeling of inadequacy and a self esteem that was sorely bruised. I soon discovered that I ended up with these guys because of how I looked at myself. I didn’t think I was worth the effort. I didn’t think I deserved to find someone. I guess there was part of me that just didn’t believe that I could find love with the life I had.

In the end I realized that before I could bring someone else into my life I had to first forgive myself for putting up with the abusive of my ex for so long. Also I had to start forgiving him for what had happened. My forgiveness for my ex is something that I am always working on and I expect that I always will. But forgiving myself felt incredible and helped me to become happier in my life.