We all want what we don’t have. It is true for just about anything; short people want to be tall, tall people want to be shorter, old people want to be younger and the young wish to be older. It is actually rather rare to be completely, 100% happy with what we have and who we are. Me for instance; most of the time I am fine with being a single mom, it’s tough but I’ve kind of gotten used to it, but then there are times when I’m not.
Going out and seeing father’s with their children and families enjoying time out together makes me realize what I don’t have. I always wanted the whole family deal and I ended up with the wonderful kids but instead of the loving husband and father I got an asshole I never really wanted to have kids with in the first place (It’s a rather long story but lets just say not all forms of birth control are great). There is a pang of hurt when I see these families and I have to wonder why I couldn’t have that. Trying to picture a family for my self is actually starting to become difficult, like it’s an alien concept for me.
I think after all this time my basic instincts are kicking in and I’m just waiting for some cave man to come grunting by and club me over the head so he can drag me back it his cave. Courting was such a simpler thing back then.
It makes me cringe every time it happens and yet I feel powerless to stop it. Sometimes when I open my mouth and speak I can’t help but wonder, “What the hell did I just say?”. But in the end it doesn’t matter, I am turning into my parents. I remember being a kid and I couldn’t believe some of the crap my parents would say to me and now I find myself repeating them to my kids. The empty threats, the bargaining and the little schemes. It is kind of funny in a way because I know exactly how full of poop I am and yet they seem to fall for it (I don’t swear. I didn’t really do it often before I was a mom but I do it even less now and I have even made up my own swear words, my favourite are “For Pete sake’s”, “For crying out loud”, “MOTHER”)
I actually dread the day when my kids start calling my bluff. My favourite empty threat is if we are out and they are being difficult and/or not listening I say “would you like to wait in the car?” I obviously wouldn’t do it but it works on quieting them down. I am waiting for the day they actually answer with a “Yes”. and I’m left with trying to come up with a good retort. The funnest one would be the one my dad used while we were on road trips, “Don’t make me come back there.” I said something similar to that the other day and as soon as I said it I started laughing. It is just something so ridiculous and yet they believe it.
Growing up the idea of being like my parents was scary. I’m sure a lot of kids had the thought that they would be better, do better then their parents had, but in the end you can’t seem to fight nature(or nurture depending on your side of the argument). I have actually come to appreciate my parents and my family in a new way since becoming a single mother. I don’t even want to think about what my life would have been like if I didn’t have the help and support of my family. My life isn’t perfect and it is far from easy but things could have been a lot harder if it hadn’t been for them, so maybe turning into them isn’t such a bed thing after all.
A tip for new parents: never trust silence. Kids are never up to anything good if they are quiet 😉
I have come to realize that even though my story is a difficult one it is not uncommon. There isn’t really a need to go into too much detail. What’s important is that you understand that I am a single mom of two and that the relationship I had/have with their father is slightly poisonous. Like most girls I was young and slightly foolish when I met him. He was the typical “bad boy” and I fell for it.
For some reason that I don’t understand girls like to believe that they can take a bad boy and turn him into something…more, but that’s getting a bit off topic. Anyway he ended up being verbally abusive and what’s worse I actually believed what he said about me. I was depressed, lonely, and thinking the worst about myself. In the end the relationship obviously ended. I would love to say I ended things but unfortunately I did not. I was six months pregnant with my second child when he decided that he rather be with someone younger and more willing to go out and have “fun”.
Recovering from that relationship was a long process. I didn’t date or even consider it for three years. I was scared of falling into another poisonous relationship and being too blind to see it. My kids helped me find my strength and they gave me reason to move forward. After a while I was able to find myself and parts of me that I had been missing for far too long. I was able to look in the mirror and see Teresa, to see who I really was. It took years but I was able to build myself back up into a human being instead of a living target for misdirected anger. Even though I am still get the blunt end of his anger now and then.
Hello, my name is Teresa Pauley, and I am a single mother.
I will turn 29 this year(not something I’m thrilled about) and have two children; Michael who is 5, and Alice who just turned 4. I did not choose to be a single mother but rather had it forced on me and I have to admit that it scares the crap out of me most of the time. You can’t help but question your self when suddenly what you do affects more then just yourself.
I decided to start this blog because I know all to well what it feels like to suddenly find yourself alone and feeling lost. I wanted to share my life; my experiences in hopes that it would help others to not feel so alone in their struggles. And I could hope that maybe some will learn from my mistakes.
So for the most part I will be sharing my past, offering advice, answering questions; if any are asked, and basically getting the skeletons out of the closet.