It has been over a year since the last time I posted, and yet it doesn’t feel like its been that long. Things have changed for me and my little family. I can no longer consider myself a single mother, I have opened my heart up and let in a man; which could have proved to be disastrous, but I lucked out. I’m not going to tell you that it has been easy, or that there hasn’t been bad days, but he is an understanding guy, and we have learned to talk and to work on things.
It was actually harder then I had thought to start living with someone again. I hadn’t realized the damage I had suffered from the years of verbal abuse I had endured. I had though that there was a difference between physical abuse and verbal abuse, but the scars they leave behind are very similar. I am lucky to have found some one that cares about me and has patience with me when I become irrational, and sometimes altogether ridiculous. Oh, I know when I am being ridiculous, but it doesn’t really stop things from continuing on.
I wasn’t the only one that had to adjust, he found himself in a relationship where he was suddenly the father figure, which is a frightening role to the unprepared. He does a wonderful job, but it is still something to adjust to. As a parent you have to sacrifice some amount of freedom to care for your children, and for someone walking into that, might find it difficult to do. As time has gone by it has gotten easier and I think we have found our groove on how to handle life.
I would like to offer some advice for those who are searching for love, but are hesitant to grab hold of it. Find someone that will make you laugh, who will be patient and enduring. Don’t settle for just anyone, find out what you really, truly want from that other person. Once you know what you are looking for it becomes easier to see. Don’t forget to talk to each other, even if you are scared of how they will react, keeping things locked up will not help anything. If you don’t think you’d be able to say it properly write it out.
I am happy, even with my quiet doubts, and insecurities. I know I am lucky to have someone in my life that wants to share new experiences with me.
I would like to take a moment and quote the Red Hot Chili Peppers:
“Your love is like a Rollercoster baby, baby I wanna ride”
Or if you prefer something a little old school, how about some Shakespeare:
“The course of true love never did run smooth.”
No matter how you look at it love has never been something easy and smooth. Every relationship has its high points and its low moments. All we can truly hope for is that the good times out way the bad; that they make the bad times seem almost worth it. It doesn’t matter if you are gay or straight, a single parent or a crazy teenager, love will take hold and do whatever it chooses to do, we are all just along for the ride. I have had some horrible relationships that taught me what to look for in a partner, I have met good men that showed me that they do exist in this world, and I have had a relationship that has helped mold me into the person I am today.
Love is one of the few things in life that doesn’t seem to care if you believe in it or not. It will still find away to get to you and drag you along for a ride you may not have wanted to get on. You just have to figure out if you enjoyed the ride while it was happening or, if you didn’t, whether you learned something from it. I took me a long time and many mistakes to figure out that I don’t actually need some one to love me. Don’t get me wrong I would love to have some one that loves me, but it is a want rather then a need. I had myself convinced that to be happy I needed someone to love me, which lead me into one bad relationship after another. A new perspective on life and love has shown me the error of my ways.
I do fear love though. I fear that it makes a fool out of me and makes me into a naive child that forgives too easily. Guess some things I never really learn from.
We all have the same basic needs, we all want to be loved and to share our lives with people we deem important to us. We take the risk and put our hearts in the hands of others hoping that they will take care of it. It is a little more intimidating as a single mother; not only are you trusting this other person with your heart, but with the hearts of your children. They grow attached to the people we bring into our lives and they are influenced by them. Dating is such a more complicated thing when your kids are put into the equation. There is more risk involved, more things to consider. I feel like I should be hosting interviews instead of dating.
I suddenly find myself thrust back into the “available” market and it just seems overwhelming all over again. I am under no delusion that, for men, dating a single mom is simple. It is anything but; plans need to be made ahead of time, babysitters need to be arranged, the sense of spontaneity seems to be lacking. I’m not saying we are all frumpy moms that prefer to stay home, I’m just saying it takes a little more work is all. I think we are usually worth the little bit of extra work. It does save me from making some rash decisions. I’m not looking forward to trusting someone else to come into my life and not make a mess of it. I don’t make it a habit of introducing my children to ever man I see, but once you do it all begins to get complicated. I was with him for two years. He probably spent more time with them then their actual father, he was good with them and they care about him. So how do you tell them that yet another man has walked out of our lives? He was a good man, and he did care about me and my kids, but he wasn’t ready for the role of father. Oh the joys of single motherhood.
I know eventually that the trusting will become easier, but the idea of letting anyone else into my life just seems like an impossibility. I have had to sacrifice a lot in my life in order to make sure my kids are safe and have what they need; my love life is just another one of those sacrifices.
At this time in life I have to take a moment and share with others my appreciation for the men that can look at a single mother and the mess of a life she occupies, and thinks to himself, “I want to be a part of that.” It takes a special breed of man to take on and share the responsibilities that a single mother shoulders day after day.
When I first became a single mother and faced with the reality that I would have to, eventually, start the dating game, if I didn’t want to become a celibate nun, I was scared. I questioned the existence of a man that would see me, see my kids, and see the mess that I call life and want to share it all with me.I thought that any sane man would take one look at it all and run screaming for the hills. After three plus years of being single and my numerous failures at dating, that a rather suppress, I had given up all hope that such men existed. But in the end I found one. I found a man that came into my life and charmed not just me, but my children as well.
Even before I had kids I had a rather negative view on love and men in general, but things change when you meet someone that can accept you for everything you are. So I would like to say to the men in the world that takes a single mother into their hearts, and loves her and her children, that you are all truly knights in shining armor. There is something amazing about you all. Thank you all for being so awesome. And to the men that are terrified of these strong, amazing mother’s, you don’t know what you’re missing.