Adjustments and Compromises

It has been over a year since the last time I posted, and yet it doesn’t feel like its been that long. Things have changed for me and my little family. I can no longer consider myself a single mother, I have opened my heart up and let in a man; which could have proved to be disastrous, but I lucked out. I’m not going to tell you that it has been easy, or that there hasn’t been bad days, but he is an understanding guy, and we have learned to talk and to work on things.

It was actually harder then I had thought to start living with someone again. I hadn’t realized the damage I had suffered from the years of verbal abuse I had endured. I had though that there was a difference between physical abuse and verbal abuse, but the scars they leave behind are very similar. I am lucky to have found some one that cares about me and has patience with me when I become irrational, and sometimes altogether ridiculous. Oh, I know when I am being ridiculous, but it doesn’t really stop things from continuing on.

I wasn’t the only one that had to adjust, he found himself in a relationship where he was suddenly the father figure, which is a frightening role to the unprepared. He does a wonderful job, but it is still something to adjust to. As a parent you have to sacrifice some amount of freedom to care for your children, and for someone walking into that, might find it difficult to do. As time has gone by it has gotten easier and I think we have found our groove on how to handle life.

I would like to offer some advice for those who are searching for love, but are hesitant to grab hold of it. Find someone that will make you laugh, who will be patient and enduring. Don’t settle for just anyone, find out what you really, truly want from that other person. Once you know what you are looking for it becomes easier to see. Don’t forget to talk to each other, even if you are scared of how they will react, keeping things locked up will not help anything. If you don’t think you’d be able to say it properly write it out.

I am happy, even with my quiet doubts, and insecurities. I know I am lucky to have someone in my life that wants to share new experiences with me.

I Got a Ticket to Ride

I would like to take a moment and quote the Red Hot Chili Peppers:

“Your love is like a Rollercoster baby, baby I wanna ride”

Or if you prefer something a little old school, how about some Shakespeare:

“The course of true love never did run smooth.”

No matter how you look at it love has never been something easy and smooth. Every relationship has its high points and its low moments. All we can truly hope for is that the good times out way the bad; that they make the bad times seem almost worth it. It doesn’t matter if you are gay or straight, a single parent or a crazy teenager, love will take hold and do whatever it chooses to do, we are all just along for the ride. I have had some horrible relationships that taught me what to look for in a partner, I have met good men that showed me that they do exist in this world, and I have had a relationship that has helped mold me into the person I am today.

Love is one of the few things in life that doesn’t seem to care if you believe in it or not. It will still find away to get to you and drag you along for a ride you may not have wanted to get on. You just have to figure out if you enjoyed the ride while it was happening or, if you didn’t, whether you learned something from it. I took me a long time and many mistakes to figure out that I don’t actually need some one to love me. Don’t get me wrong I would love to have some one that loves me, but it is a want rather then a need. I had myself convinced that to be happy I needed someone to love me, which lead me into one bad relationship after another. A new perspective on life and love has shown me the error of my ways.

I do fear love though. I fear that it makes a fool out of me and makes me into a naive child that forgives too easily. Guess some things I never really learn from.

Approaching Storm

We all have the same basic needs, we all want to be loved and to share our lives with people we deem important to us. We take the risk and put our hearts in the hands of others hoping that they will take care of it. It is a little more intimidating as a single mother; not only are you trusting this other person with your heart, but with the hearts of your children. They grow attached to the people we bring into our lives and they are influenced by them. Dating is such a more complicated thing when your kids are put into the equation. There is more risk involved, more things to consider. I feel like I should be hosting interviews instead of dating.

I suddenly find myself thrust back into the “available” market and it just seems overwhelming all over again. I am under no delusion that, for men, dating a single mom is simple. It is anything but; plans need to be made ahead of time, babysitters need to be arranged, the sense of spontaneity seems to be lacking. I’m not saying we are all frumpy moms that prefer to stay home, I’m just saying it takes a little more work is all. I think we are usually worth the little bit of extra work. It does save me from making some rash decisions. I’m not looking forward to trusting someone else to come into my life and not make a mess of it. I don’t make it a habit of introducing my children to ever man I see, but once you do it all begins to get complicated. I was with him for two years. He probably spent more time with them then their actual father, he was good with them and they care about him. So how do you tell them that yet another man has walked out of our lives? He was a good man, and he did care about me and my kids, but he wasn’t ready for the role of father. Oh the joys of single motherhood.

I know eventually that the trusting will become easier, but the idea of letting anyone else into my life just seems like an impossibility. I have had to sacrifice a lot in my life in order to make sure my kids are safe and have what they need; my love life is just another one of those sacrifices.

 

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

I would love to say that as my kids have gotten older that the job of Mother has gotten easier, but I would be a big fat liar if I did. I can’t speak for every parent in the world, but I feel as if I am losing my mind sometimes. I start to question the choices I have made in life, but, for the most part, every decision I have made was the best one I could make at the time. Raising two kids on one income and barely any support from their father has been harder then I would like to admit, but how does one improve their position in life if they are restricted by the confines of parenthood? There is so much I want to do and see, and yet I can’t just run out and do it. Though that might not necessarily be a bad thing, it does stop me from making rash decisions(which would probably happen).

Then there comes the topic of ones love life. As a single parent finding someone to share your life with is a job all on its own(wasn’t that easy for me prior to being a mother either). But once you find someone how do you ask them to make the choice to take on the role of parent so quickly? Most people who become parents have time to get used to the idea instead of something happening instantaneously. I guess the only other choice would be to just be alone, but that isn’t really option for me (I really don’t like cats enough to be a crazy cat lady when I’m old). So I wait and have faith that everything will work out.

It isn’t all bad though. Mother’s day has just past and it made me believe that I actually wasn’t doing such a bad job of being a mother, which was extremely relieving. I have not been gifted with patience, but all I can do is wait and see. Wait and see what kind of people my children turn into, wait in see how my heart gets handled, and wait and see how the future unfolds. What I really need is a time machine.

Ode to a Good Man

At this time in life I have to take a moment and share with others my appreciation for the men that can look at a single mother and the mess of a life she occupies, and thinks to himself, “I want to be a part of that.” It takes a special breed of man to take on and share the responsibilities that a single mother shoulders day after day.

When I first became a single mother and faced with the reality that I would have to, eventually, start the dating game, if I didn’t want to become a celibate nun, I was scared. I questioned the existence of a man that would see me, see my kids, and see the mess that I call life and want to share it all with me.I thought that any sane man would take one look at it all and run screaming for the hills.  After three plus years of being single and my numerous failures at dating, that a rather suppress, I had given up all hope that such men existed. But in the end I found one. I found a man that came into my life and charmed not just me, but my children as well.

Even before I had kids I had a rather negative view on love and men in general, but things change when you meet someone that can accept you for everything you are. So I would like to say to the men in the world that takes a single mother into their hearts, and loves her and her children, that you are all truly knights in shining armor. There is something amazing about you all. Thank you all for being so awesome. And to the men that are terrified of these strong, amazing mother’s, you don’t know what you’re missing.

Milestones and Time Passing

Oh how the times have been changing. Both my children are now attending school (J/K and Grade One)making me realize just how old they (and me) are and I must admit that I had quite a few “mommy” moments. Watching my daughter climb the stairs of the school bus for the first time with her backpack, and new outfit almost brought tears to my eyes. But I have come to terms with these milestones and all that has come to follow.

As my daughter gets older she has definitely come to be an independent and rather sassy little girl that is starting to push the limits of what she can do. My son is growing taller and becoming smarter, and I can’t seem to help but wonder where time has gone. I miss my little babies that would sit and cuddle with me, but now they are kids that just drive me crazy.

I would love to be able to say that after all this time I have mastered the art of parenting and am confident in all that I do, but alas that is not the truth. As time goes on I still find myself questioning it all, but I think I have figured out that I’m not the only parent that feels this way. I guess if parenting were easy everyone would want to do it…alright well I guess that just means that most of us are just crazy then.

My children and the milestones that they keep passing with every day that goes by are not the only things in my life that seems to be changing. There have been more then a few new experiences over the last couple months that have influenced my life and will continue to impact my life in awesome ways, but that will be left to future days.

Let a Sleeping Child Lie

I’m sure most parents, or rather most people have read or heard “Love You Forever” by Robert Munch, and as a mother I kinda do what the mother in the book does…minus the singing and rocking bit, too afraid to wake the sleeping beasts. But I sometime go into my kids room just to watch them sleep for a while. It’s the perfect opportunity to witness them at there most serene, most innocent. It’s a time where you don’t need to exercise restraint.

It happens in these stolen moments that I usually get overwhelmed with disbelief that I am a mother and that I am doing an okay job of it, I mean I have managed to keep them alive and thriving for this long it is very possible that I can continue to do so whether I am alone or not. I still can’t seem to grasp fully the fact that these two little people are mine, that they are a part of me. It seems so incredibly impossible and amazing all at once.

Daydreaming and Reality

We all want what we don’t have. It is true for just about anything; short people want to be tall, tall people want to be shorter, old people want to be younger and the young wish to be older. It is actually rather rare to be completely, 100% happy with what we have and who we are. Me for instance; most of the time I am fine with being a single mom, it’s tough but I’ve kind of gotten used to it, but then there are times when I’m not.

Going out and seeing father’s with their children and families enjoying time out together makes me realize what I don’t have. I always wanted the whole family deal and I ended up with the wonderful kids but instead of the loving husband and father I got an asshole I never really wanted to have kids with in the first place (It’s a rather long story but lets just say not all forms of birth control are great). There is a pang of hurt when I see these families and I have to wonder why I couldn’t have that. Trying to picture a family for my self is actually starting to become difficult, like it’s an alien concept for me.

I think after all this time my basic instincts are kicking in and I’m just waiting for some cave man to come grunting by and club me over the head so he can drag me back it his cave. Courting was such a simpler thing back then.

Oh how I envy the irresponsible, the individuals who are only responsible for themselves. I remember a time when I had total freedom, I could have lived as a Nomad if I so chose to (and there was a time in my youth that I would have loved to be a hippie). But that isn’t how it is any longer, now there are times where I start to feel like Atlas, holding up the sky all on my own. After a time it starts to wear on you, like a weariness that sinks right to the bone and leaves behind doubt.

I find my self shaking my head at how much people take for granted in their lives. Some times I think what I would do if given a chance, a day, to just do whatever it is I want with no worry, no stress (first thing that comes to mind is usually silence, blissful silence). But in truth I don’t even remember what it’s like to not think about my kids and the responsibility that comes hand in hand with parenthood. I have realized that being a parent means that your wants and needs come second to those of your children. It is a slightly depressing thought and even though I don’t like it, in the end it is worth it

As a single parent I can say with complete certainty that raising children is definitely not a one person job. Sure it’s doable, it is possible, but it takes its toll on those that do it. I constantly wonder if I’m doing it right, if I am being a good mother. I am sure that I will always live with this inadequacy, this question haunting my every action, but live with it I will.

So those of you without responsibility, without things to really worry about, I envy you your freedom so please don’t waste it.

Is my Green Showing?

Sick Day? What’s a Sick Day?

So recently I succumbed to the not so tender grasp of the flu and with luck, so did my daughter. Nothing like being sick and having to take care of the sick to make you feel helpless. It kind of brings to mind the whole blind leading the blind statement. But it wasn’t just feeling helpless when taking care of my daughter but also dealing with my rambunctious son who happened to have missed getting the virus. I pride myself on being able to handle being a single mom and everything that comes along with it, but that flu had kicked my ass.

I am a rather stubborn women with a fair amount of pride and I absolutely hate to admit when I need help (I’m pretty sure most people are similar though don’t realize it). Anyway when I was laying on the couch curled up in the fetal position mentally fighting my stomach I realized just how alone I was. Most people when they are sick can just take the time to rest and recover, but when I was at my worst and needed someone, there was no one but me. I am the type of person that will take care of the people that are important to me when they are ill; I guess you can say I mother them :). It was just a little deflating to realize that there was no one there to return the favor when it was my turn.

Well it was a good thing I wasn’t sick for long and I was able to take care of myself and my daughter while not tying my son to a chair(though it was rather tempting at times). I think I rather stick to taking care of others rather then feeling sorry for myself since it’s not my cup of tea. I definitely have a new found appreciation for being healthy. I just hope that others out there don’t take for granted the people they have around them and what those people do for them.